On Motherhood

Yes, she is finally here! She made her appearance on June 18th at 11:09 PM. All sense of time was lost for me at that moment. I am finally getting used to the unusual sleep schedules, and feel a bit more like myself, but I can't get over how much I've changed in the last month. She has changed me. And so quickly. I didn't know that I would immediately become 'helen homemaker', but it happened! Gentlefolk, I have started to knit for her. If that isn't love, then I don't know what love is.
Tonight I realized that I feel like I have a family now. And having something so precious and hard won is very scary for me. I don't think I've ever felt like I have more to lose than I do now. I have never loved so completely, so quickly. I have never done so much for someone else without grumbling under my breath. I think I'm becoming a bit self-less! :) Unbelievable!
She is here beside me now, sleeping between her mommies. Her breath is light and fast. I can feel her slowly waking up, her body reacting to the pangs of hunger. I am honored to have her snuggled up to me even though I do not hold her blessed sustenance. She knows how to give me just enough attention to keep me thinking that I may have a chance of being a special someone to her one day. I hope that I am.
And I promise to her every day that I will try to be the best mother I can be for her. And that I will love her more with every breath, and until they stop, and even after that. Amen.

The Simplest Things...

This evening I got out of the house for a while to attend a dharma talk at my local Shambhala Center. The website said the talk was on creating motivation. I didn't really know what to expect, but I knew I needed to take this opportunity to focus on my practice since I've been neglecting it as of late. I didn't expect it to be a packed house, but it was, and my anxiety kept me from feeling comfortable as more and more cushions were crowded into the modest space in order to accommodate all the bodies. Once everyone settled in and the speaker began, I forgot how crowded the room was. Moh Hardin was a calming and engaging speaker, and the words of wisdom that spilled from his lips gave me new hope and new direction in my everyday mindfulness. The gist of his talk was the true path to happiness. He quoted Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche when saying that thinking of yourself is the road to misery, but thinking of others is the road to happiness. He concluded his speech with one request. That each one of us, huddled together in that too small room, start out every day with the intent of wishing happiness to every living being. That this one small "prayer" could propel our actions and our lives to a higher purpose. That this simple thing could lead us closer to the bodhisattva.
Now, I am not a lover of large gatherings, especially when there isn't a familiar face in the whole room, but for the first time in my life I think I know why people go to church. The whole room felt alive with love and compassion. A christian would say 'the holy spirit'. The feeling nearly brought tears to my eyes. That this group of people could make such a difference in the lives of so many, and played forward, the entire world, by a simple, loving thought. All is not lost...

Win Rice for the Hungry! Have Fun!

I could sit and do this all day, but I have a paper to write.... try it out, but i warn you.. it's addictive! I'm up to 1600 grains today! Whohoo! I wonder if that's a full bowl?

What I always knew in my heart....

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

b

A Bananie free weekend is like drinking diet coke

And i hate diet coke... really, anything diet. If it doesn't have real sugar in it, i'd rather just go without. Sweet Bananie is having to say goodbye to her dear aunt this weekend, and unfortunately i wasn't able to go with. i'm sad that i'm not getting to experience her hometown with her again. it was so nice to see the hometown kid come out the last time. But instead of drinking yuengling and eating home made gnocchi at Hector's with my love, i'm pet sitting and trying to make a mental list of all i want to get done while i'm flying solo. i have enough to keep me busy for a month, i think, but i'm going to try to pack it all in to one long weekend. Wish me luck. i'll need it.
My heart is with Bananie and her family this weekend. I hope that my prayers give them peace.

Everything is a bit better with some Port.

So today i've been a bit blue, ok, pretty blue, well, more like hiding in bed and hating myself for it kind of blue. After being that blue, a girl can get a little peck-ish, but not just any nibble will do... i had a craving for my old 'blue night special': some port and a big-ass salad. i have all the makings for my big-ass salad, but i lacked the port. this little item was of such import in the whole scheme of dinner that i actually got out of the house for the first time today to procure it. a miracle in itself. i was so set on the sweet, comforting taste of port seeping into my blue little tongue that i actually went to two liquor stores before i could find just the right bottle (aka a bottle cheap enough for my $10 allowance so graciously given by one sweet Bananie.) thankfully, the port is working its magic, and i think i have the patience to tackle making the salad. perhaps i won't be so blue after a good dose of greens.

The Dangers of East Side Pup Walking

Since i now have TWO READERS i feel an obligation to try to blog every day. Anyway, it's becoming a nice new way to procrastinate...

Before i sat down to blog in order to practice my procrastination skills, i took our four (!) pups for a walk in our east Austin neighborhood. They behaved magnificently considering that they haven't been for a walk in almost a week, and we all got to take in an extraordinary rainbow-at-golden-sunset-moment. (i felt sad for the pups not being able to fully enjoy the rainbow with their less-than-perfect color viewing skills... i hope they got to see at least a couple of the 7 tasty skittles colors.) All the neighbors were out, and we passed by in perfect formation, saying our hellos, wagging our tails.
The pups continued their stellar performance by all doing their business at the 'no dumping- city ordinance' sign/ natural area. i had to keep them away from the 3 or 4 trash bags that were broken open and leaking very damp trash and various housewares everywhere. at least the couch was gone.
The sun was setting, and the fireflies were starting their evening light show, and i told the pups that we were on our home stretch.. just down the hill and homefr.....
wait. what is that? the pit bull that's usually chained outside the last house on the right is coming towards us with it's ginger-colored accomplice. We stopped short, and i fought off my immediate reflex to turn and walk up the hill, but i knew that if i showed any weakness it would make the whole situation worse. So i stood my ground, and the four poor dogs were forced to stand with me. The most aggressive dark brindled pit approached. First he moved towards the big dogs, then thought better of it, and circled to my right and went towards Lucy, the smallest and oldest. A swift kick to the meaty head sent him back a few feet, and then, thankfully, a big truck came by and to our rescue. The man driving honked his horn and made the dogs scatter, giving us just enough time to detour down a side street. Oh my, so close! Thank you, neighbor!
We regrouped and made it back to dear old Garland. All in one piece. Lucy said she could've taken him. I'll let her believe that!

Why do Badgers get a Bad Rap?

So, today while catching up on one of my favorite NPR shows Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, I heard the most outrageous bit of news... they mentioned the Iraqis blaming the American forces for releasing a pack of huge, man-eating badgers in an Iraqi city. I have heard of the atrocities of war, but this is taking it to a whole new level! What's so bad about these creatures anyway? I think that, aside from their sharp teeth, they're quite cute. But this is coming from someone who thinks the same of opossums. We're all mammals... we should bond together.. animals with breasts are the best! (or something of the sort)
I prefer to think of them as the star of the never ending Badger Song instead.
Special Note: there is already a Wikipedia entry about the alleged military operation "bad badger"... i love wikipedia!

I Love Public Radio

This morning my ears stumbled upon a story on morning edition that spoke directly to me. It was the first in a series they're doing on Adoption in America. If you have ever considered transracial adoption, I highly recommend a listen.

Look Here

Over a weak cup o' tea....

A week ago miss bananie and i were in the desert of west tex-ass sweating our patooties off in the heat, but enjoying ourselves. soaking up the natural spring water and the bliss of off-the-gridness. Now it's back to the world of a/c and normal day to day grinds... except that i'm back in school. yep, my month of guilty pleasure is over. i'm excited, but apprehensive about the amount of work i'll have to produce in the next month. the good thing is that i'm working in east austin, so at least i won't have to make the 45 min commute this semester!
other things that make me happy today:
1) it's gay movie night on TCM.
2) my bicycle will be ready to ride on weds
3) i have film to develop.. it's been over a year... perhaps there's hope for art yet!

GOING CAMPING!!!!

YES! finally bananie and i are getting out of town with a tent! it's been a dream of mine for 4 years now, and we're finally doing it! (for our 4 year anniversary... yay us!). we're off to west texas... a place called Chinati Hot Springs (http://www.chinatihotsprings.com/home.html)
the tent has been weatherproofed as much as possible, the food purchased and packed, the Boompmobile will soon be oil changed, washed and gassed up and ready for the 8+ hours of driving..... i'm ready for an adventure! i just hope that we don't get lost in the desert!
i'm even considering packing my camera!

up early....

yes, it's true.... i've been up since 7:30 and have such high hopes for the day. bananie is off to work, and i have the house (and the pets) to myself. on the front porch over coffee my love asked me what i had planned for today. i replied:

mow the lawn
clean up the back yard for the bbq on sunday
ride my bike to mundi for some iris murdoch time
clean the house
walk the dogs

she's right... i always set myself up for disappointment. i always want to do too much in one day. but, at least i have a list... i'll be checking it off as i go. we shall see how it goes!

however, the tube is on and i'm feeling tired already... i really need to kill my tv....

hope you have a great saturday!

New Favorite BLOG

You must go see my new favorite blog... other than bananie.com, of course....

http://jesuschristscoolblog.blogspot.com/

i'm so happy he finally has a blog!!!! go Jesus!

any man who is a fan of ruminants is a friend of mine!

christmas inklings

i'm barricaded in the bedroom, bananie's lappy on mine..it's hot on my thighs.. it's been on, word processing the end of a very crappy semester, all day. almost.... done... one....more.. five... page.. paper.. to.. go.. oh, and a final tomorrow. i've never been so behind in my life. but, i'm trying to be optimistic, take it in stride. miss bananie is shuffling to and fro in the house. the xmas tree is down from its hiding place in the attic, pieced together and fluffed.. still a little wonky, but i'm sure we can even it out w/ trimmings and a strong length of fishing line (because of the cats). it is so strange to have xmas happening all around me, and here i am, sadly ambivalent. last night i was able to forget all of my ill will towards the commercial craze. we scooted to mother egans for some fish-n-chips to celebrate the cooler weather. i took my cupcake through many back street detours to look at the east-side lights. i forgot all about my grinchy feelings and found myself enjoying all the twinkling-ness of the modest little houses, decked out with large plastic nativity scenes or large shrines to the lady of guadalupe. i'm so glad for annie... she gets me out of myself and into a 'treasure the moment' sort of mood. we ended up scooting over to 37th street as well to see the block of lights. it's the first time i've done that in a very long while, and it was quite enjoyable. we decided to park and walk through the light show, walking through people's back yards, collecting passes for free hugs and sipping on lukewarm chai tea. it was the best association with holiday cheer i've had in as long as i can remember. And the best part is that i was with my bananie. no more missed holidays. she is finally my home. and for this i am very thankful. Annie makes the holidays a happy time for me.

hauntings of bad decisions past...

note to self... never get sucked into a business deal with a friend. even if it tickles your internal altruistic switch... don't do it. business with friends is a bad idea.. i knew this, but still now have a real world example. and it got wrecked.. and now i'm out almost a thousand dollars. and the worst part is that i'm not wealthy, so the loss of money really hurts. i knew from the beginning that i was going to lose a little money in the process, and deal with small payments over many months, but now what's left of the friendship is a wrecked scooter and lots of bad feelings. (the friend wrote us off right after the accident, good timing, huh?) yea, so now it's clean up time.. and it ain't pretty!

First time for everything....

never thought i would do it... i guess my procrastination skills have just graduated to a whole new level. here i am, the conservatively happy owner of the schmelorama blog. i will have to get used to communicating via the 'internets' to people i have never imagined....... whoa nelly! feels kinda weird.. like swimming in jello......