Tuesday, July 15, 2008

On Motherhood


Yes, she is finally here! She made her appearance on June 18th at 11:09 PM. All sense of time was lost for me at that moment. I am finally getting used to the unusual sleep schedules, and feel a bit more like myself, but I can't get over how much I've changed in the last month. She has changed me. And so quickly. I didn't know that I would immediately become 'helen homemaker', but it happened! Gentlefolk, I have started to knit for her. If that isn't love, then I don't know what love is.
Tonight I realized that I feel like I have a family now. And having something so precious and hard won is very scary for me. I don't think I've ever felt like I have more to lose than I do now. I have never loved so completely, so quickly. I have never done so much for someone else without grumbling under my breath. I think I'm becoming a bit self-less! :) Unbelievable!
She is here beside me now, sleeping between her mommies. Her breath is light and fast. I can feel her slowly waking up, her body reacting to the pangs of hunger. I am honored to have her snuggled up to me even though I do not hold her blessed sustenance. She knows how to give me just enough attention to keep me thinking that I may have a chance of being a special someone to her one day. I hope that I am.
And I promise to her every day that I will try to be the best mother I can be for her. And that I will love her more with every breath, and until they stop, and even after that. Amen.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Simplest Things...


This evening I got out of the house for a while to attend a dharma talk at my local Shambhala Center. The website said the talk was on creating motivation. I didn't really know what to expect, but I knew I needed to take this opportunity to focus on my practice since I've been neglecting it as of late. I didn't expect it to be a packed house, but it was, and my anxiety kept me from feeling comfortable as more and more cushions were crowded into the modest space in order to accommodate all the bodies. Once everyone settled in and the speaker began, I forgot how crowded the room was. Moh Hardin was a calming and engaging speaker, and the words of wisdom that spilled from his lips gave me new hope and new direction in my everyday mindfulness. The gist of his talk was the true path to happiness. He quoted Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche when saying that thinking of yourself is the road to misery, but thinking of others is the road to happiness. He concluded his speech with one request. That each one of us, huddled together in that too small room, start out every day with the intent of wishing happiness to every living being. That this one small "prayer" could propel our actions and our lives to a higher purpose. That this simple thing could lead us closer to the bodhisattva.
Now, I am not a lover of large gatherings, especially when there isn't a familiar face in the whole room, but for the first time in my life I think I know why people go to church. The whole room felt alive with love and compassion. A christian would say 'the holy spirit'. The feeling nearly brought tears to my eyes. That this group of people could make such a difference in the lives of so many, and played forward, the entire world, by a simple, loving thought. All is not lost...